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Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him. 12 And when they saw him from a distance, they did not recognize him. And they raised their voices and wept, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads toward heaven. 13 And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great. (Job 2:11-13)
Job had lost his children. Job had lost his possessions. Job had lost his health (and vitality). But Job had lost his sons and daughters—his children. Possessions can be replaced. Health can be recovered. Vitality restored. Children cannot be replaced. No parent expects to outlive or bury his her offspring. Job’s children as far as we can tell were grown… adults. They shared memories. Lifetimes. Had they been young, the loss would have been no less devastating. Add to this, in Ancient Near Eastern Culture children were somewhat of an elder-care plan. They provided for parents in the parent’s old age, when a parent may not be able to care for themselves.
If you are already familiar with the story of Job, then you know God gave Job more children. But he did not bring these back to life. The loss is real. While they may be united in the next life, assuming they were believers, their loss was both real and painful.
How does one comfort a person who suffers so great and painful a loss? In my ministry I’ve had to shepherd parents who lost children through still birth and even murder. What does one say? Do? Job’s friends, maligned by many for their later ham-handedness provide us an object lesson in what to do, in the verses above. They are shocked, stunned, at Job’s appearance and circumstances. Notice what they do because they start off well.
Job 2:12-13 …they raised their voices and wept, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads toward heaven. 13 And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.
In a New Testament sense they follow the Apostle Paul’s dictum:
Romans 12:15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
What does this entail? Presence. Sometimes a person’s grief is so great (and you, yourself, are so overwhelmed) that it is best just to be there with them and say nothing. Grieve with them. Of course you’ll be tempted to try to say the right thing. Don’t. What would the right thing be? Not sure? Say nothing. There will be time to talk later. Sometimes just being with them is a comfort. Where good people fail sometime is saying too much as opposed to saying too little. It’s a natural and human response. We all want to help. We all want to find the right words… the right explanation… the right Bible verse. This is the trap that Job’s friends eventually fall into. Seeing Job’s grief. Hearing Job’s anguish laden laments they try to explain what is happening and why it is taking place. And they get things terribly, terribly wrong.
The bulk of the book of Job is made up of his three friends trying to explain things. In some sense they are trying to explain the unexplainable. They end up trying to correct Job’s thinking. Eventually, they level unthinkable accusations against Job. They add insult to injury. They make a difficult situation worse. Eventually, God intervenes and through special revelation sets the record straight.
We should not be too hard on Job’s friends. They did not have the whole counsel of God’s word available to them as we do today. They not only didn’t have the 66 books of the closed cannon of Scripture. They didn’t even have the Torah! Today, all too often, Christians do less with more. We have the whole of God’s word and we sometimes say and do things that rival the terrible counsel of Job’s friends. I remember the words uttered to a man who lost a wife and daughter in a car accident, “Brother, God is trying to get your attention and tell you something!” What could that mean? On another occasion, a woman grieving the first anniversary of her son’s murder was told, “Look… it’s been a year… It’s time to move on with our life.” I’m sure these people meant well. Maybe they fell prey to the need to say “something” to the one who is suffering.
Good people can often say terrible things with the best of intentions, in the most misguided of ways. That’s why, sometimes, less is more:
Romans 12:15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
Job 2:12-13 …they raised their voices and wept, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads toward heaven. 13 And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.
Job’s friends started well with their presence. They were there. Near. Available. Sometimes actions speak louder and accomplish more than words. You can pay them a visit. Take them out for coffee. Mow their lawn. Run errands for them. Meet practical needs as you weep with those who weep. And maybe one day when the dust settles… rejoice with them. You don’t have to have all the answers… just be available to glorify God by serving them.
Job’s friends did not end well. Often people do not finish well with those who suffer loss. Often in a few weeks as the dust settles people’s lives return to normal and they withdraw when the life of the grieving one still has this huge void. Losses sometimes take decades to get over. People need your comforting presence. You may never make mistakes of a scale of Job’s friends but… stay in touch… stay engaged.
Finish well. Stay engaged. Make yourself available… and do not weary of well-doing. If you’d like more information on weeping with those who weep, touch here.